Okay, God. I'm listening.

I try to be a tough cookie. I hate feminine outbursts and I absolutely loathe crying. I want so badly to be independent, successful on my own, free from charity of others. I want to fix my problems myself, because above all else, I want to keep my biggest needs private.

Here's the thing though: I'm no superhero. Try as I might, I don't have all the solutions and answers to my nagging problems. I'm not an island. I can't magically make everything work. Despite my best efforts, I fail. Regularly.

This is where I have found myself lately, overwhelmed with a particular trial. I hate it, because I've survived bigger personal tragedy and yet, I can't seem to muddle through this relatively mundane one. It's always there, a constant nagging, a constant reminder that I am a failure. It's not really sadness anymore. It's progressed to bitterness, to anger that I'm still dealing with this stupid problem. It's petty whining and selfishness and wondering why God doesn't just fix it.

There's a song out that Seth & I are planning to sing in church in a few weeks called "Blessings" by Laura Story. We decided on this song about two weeks ago. It's a song that speaks to the things we have survived, the trials of this life. We can personally relate to every line in the song, just from the things we've endured in the past year.

Here's the weird thing. I was sure I'd hear that song on the radio a dozen times so I could practice with it in the car or when I'm doing dishes. Our local Christian radio station has a reputation for overplaying songs to a ridiculous degree. In fact, I usually avoid doing songs they play in church because they're old news and everybody's sick of them after a week, but we made an exception because this one is so meaningful to us.

In two weeks, I haven't heard that song once, despite listening to the radio every day.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day. The trial had reached crisis mode. Instead of praying and seeking peace, I wanted to wallow. I was angry, touchy, self absorbed and cranky. I was hurting and there didn't seem to be a likely cure. I wanted to throw in the towel and quit. I went to sleep burdened.

This morning, at 5am, my husband's alarm went off. And guess which song was playing.

I know enough to know that this was not a coincidence. The first line I heard as I eased into consciousness was "All the while, You hear each spoken need. But love us way too much to give us lesser things."

Helpless tears came instantly. We curled up together and were silent for the rest of the song. Where normally I would have been nudging him in the ribs to hit the dumb snooze button, this morning we were both abnormally alert. We had to be. God was meeting us there.

So today, the trial is still there. The tears are still just underneath the surface. There are no more practical solutions than there were yesterday.

But today there is peace. Today, I was reminded that God is not aloof and indifferent. God is interested in our greater good. This trial has a purpose, and it's not all about my comfort. It's about God revealing himself to me in a way I will cherish forever.

Listen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7DlNIU7FCY