I Miss...

Another post I wrote about a week ago. I promise I'll get back to not whining soon.

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Labor and delivery is not the greatest physical sacrifice a mother will endure. "Morning" sickness has it beaten by a mile. For at least twelve weeks, I can do nothing but exist and try (unsuccessfully) to keep the nausea under control. As a result, my life is dull, exhausting, depressing and bears little resemblance to my normal, every day existence.

I miss...

Being able to clean my house.

Homeschooling

Photography

Getting groceries

Cooking

Playing with my kids

Taking my kids places

Going on dates

Eating yummy food

Getting ready to go somewhere in a reasonable amount of time

Singing

Writing

Taking showers

Driving

Walking without gagging or nearly passing out.

Enjoying anything

My husband is doing a valiant job. On top of the academy and studying every night, he's making dinner, doing dishes, washing clothes, wrangling children and waiting on me. I'm so thankful for him, and at the same time, I feel so guilty that he has to do my job on top of his. I wish I could tell myself it was all in my head and to just feel better. But wishing doesn't make it so. Instead, I'm sitting on the bathroom floor crying because I barely feel human anymore and even the medicine doesn't really help all that much.

I know it's temporary. I know it's worth it. I have endured it three times before, and two of those times I got to hold a baby at the end of it all. I already love my little peanut so much. It's just so mentally and physically exhausting to not be myself and to constantly be sick. I feel worthless. I find myself thinking often of people dealing with cancer and other long term illnesses whose symptoms or treatments are often accompanied by nausea and vomiting. This is nothing in comparison with that, because this will bring forth the biggest tangible blessing I know. I just have to endure for now, and soon it will be behind me.

"When the midnight meets the morning, let me love You even more."