It's complicated
I'm a very weird person. Around 87% of the time, I'm a very laid back, roll with the punches kind of girl. Not easily riled up or offended. Far too lazy to make a fuss about things.
The other 13% is characterized by obsessiveness, irritation, frustration, and confusion.
I'm in the 13 % right now.
I can't in good conscience blog about the specifics of my struggles. That frustrates me. While I'm generally very private in conversation, I'll say just about anything in writing. It's part of my process. It's how I learn. It's a comfortable way for me to get feedback from others. I long to be open and transparent about what I'm dealing with. I want to use these things to help others. That's how I can make sense of all this craziness. But for various reasons, I have to be silent, at least for now.
So I blog about the mundane. About other issues that aren't really as important to me. It's sort of like drinking Diet Pepsi instead of the real thing. Gets me through, but it's not what I really want.
How do other people cope? I know I'm not the only one to ever struggle with trials, with questions, with serious concerns and burdens. Are they hiding too? Do we pass each other in the church lobby and smile and make small talk, all the while our minds being consumed with the big things that we never say?
I'm sure I'm not making much sense. My apologies.
I know that God is using this in my life for a purpose. It's sort of weird actually. God is planting seeds in my heart for how I can someday use what I have dealt with to help others. Where once I despised the idea of public speaking, now I find myself thinking, "I could talk to a group about this." I've also tinkered with writing a book. I'm pretty sure I'm a failure at fiction, so I've been turning my thoughts more to nonfiction (which is ironic because I hate reading nonfiction.) There have even been some songs beginning to be written down. Who knows what God will do with all He is teaching me?
It's that thought that encourages me when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed. I don't mean to sound all holy and all, but it's such a peaceful thought to know that I am learning all this hopefully to benefit someone else. Helps me get out of that self-focused mindset. God is good. And while I'm impatient, there are still things I need to learn before whatever "ministry" He's preparing can be attained.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11
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