The Double Standard

So I'm a woman.

(Lest you weren't aware.)

Now, I'm not one that was blessed with a generous amount of....wiles. I've always been goofy and awkward and...unwily. My talents lie more in the arena of annoying debate rather than feminine charms. The only man I have ever used any sort of...wiles on is my husband. I have never intentionally provoked any other man to any sort of impure thought.

And yet, growing up in the church, I have been taught that I'm responsible even for the unintentional thought provocation.

This has always sort of grated at me, and I wasn't sure why for a long time. But when I started birthing humans, and they were males, my mind eventually wandered to raising them in to godly men. I thought of the challenges they would face in the area of sexual purity. But my thoughts always bent towards "they need to learn to be respectful of women and not use them for pleasure" instead of "every girl they come in contact with had better be wearing a mumu."

I began to notice a bit of a double standard where modesty is concerned. I started paying attention. Whenever anyone brought up modesty in a sermon or a lesson, there was a disproportionate emphasis on the woman's responsibility. It would go something like this.

"In our society today, you don't have to look very far to be bombarded with explicit images and material. You don't have to be looking for it to find pornography. Just go to Cedar Point or the mall, and you'll see as much skin as you would in a lingerie ad. And it is permeating the church. Ladies, if you constantly have to be tugging at your blouse or hem, you need to take careful consideration of your wardrobe. If your clothing doesn't look any different from the worldly woman's, you are leading your brothers in Christ to stumble. If it's too tight, too short, too low cut, you are enticing our men to sin. Take care that you aren't being a temptation to men in your dress....And men, do not look lustfully at a woman."

You might think I'm exaggerating, but I promise you, more often than not, this is precisely how it goes, at least in my experience.

I do believe that modesty in dress is important. Obviously, I believe godly women should take consideration in how they dress. Of course we shouldn't be revealing all God gave us because our clothing is immodest.

But who's to say what the standard is? I mean, there are obvious ones that no one does, like wearing a bikini top and mini skirt to church. I've never seen anyone wear a leather jumpsuit either. That would chafe. Nor have I seen any sort of neckline reminiscent of J-Lo's infamous blue-green dress.

I admit to liking fashion. And there was a time in my life many many many moons ago when I knew how to use clothing to seduce. Of course, I wasn't really overt about it. But I did know what outfits of mine Seth liked (this was way back in high school). Seth's likes in my wardrobe always leaned to the "classy" side (which is ironic, because when I met him he owned a white linen suit). He likes it when I dress up a little. And I admit, I would use that to my advantage on occasion. But there were also things I wore that I had no idea caused any sort of a stir in him. To this day, he'll remember with a wicked grin things that I have no recollection of wearing or finding especially alluring.

Does that make those articles of clothing immodest? Should I have taken him shopping with me and totally avoided anything he liked on me? I'm not sure I would have been able to leave the store with a single item.

Let's point out a simple fact here: A woman could be wearing a burqa, and a man could still lust after her.

I believe there are two sides to this coin, and both are of equal value. Women should strive for modesty and being of wholesome character. Men should strive for purity and integrity in their thought life.

And I don't personally believe dressing modestly means we have to give up being fashionable. I know there are some who feel that wearing anything bought this year is immodest. Current trends=unholy. I don't get it. Because even if you're wearing clothes you bought twenty years ago "in the good ol' days", chances are twenty years ago men found your clothing just as alluring. It's not so much what the woman's wearing in most cases, it's just the simple fact that she's a woman. Men like women. Duh.

When I pointed this out to my husband a few years ago, he began to notice it too. It's not that there's a total lack of teaching where male purity is concerned. But it's so easy for guys to fall into this mindset that because they are male they MUST lust. It's just the way we are, girls, so deal with it accordingly. They honestly believe that there is no overcoming this problem in their thought life. So the responsibility is shifted to women to control their thoughts.

I may not be a male. I may not struggle with lusting after what my eyes see. But I have absolutely no doubt that it is possible to live free from lust, even in a "colorful" world. There are many verses that come to my mind--Philippians 4:13, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Romans 6:17-19. But there is one big reason I believe it's possible.

Jesus did it.

And yes, Jesus was God.

But that doesn't mean he didn't face temptation.

Jesus is proof that a man can "make a covenant with his eyes" and live a lust free life. Jesus didn't segregate himself from women. He ministered to "unseemly" women of his day. Many of his followers were women. And I have an inkling that some of those feminine followers had crushes on Jesus. Maybe some of them even flirted with him or tried to get his attention.

But Jesus did not sin.

Not only that, but Jesus didn't require women to cover themselves up for him to minister to them.

I don't think it's enough to tell women to be careful what they wear. Because even if every Christian woman was covered from head to toe, there are still millions of uncovered women in the world with whom Christian men will cross paths. Being a follower of Christ means being like him. It means we see another person through the lens of God's love, not as a source of lust or an object to seduce. We put their needs before our own. We act "maturely" towards them.

That means a godly woman will double check her clothing before heading out. And that means a godly man will look away if he finds himself struggling.

And for goodness' sake, let the poor nursing mothers out of the tiny, freezing closet attached to the nursery. Breastfeeding is perfectly modest, especially when done by godly women. You don't have to hide us just because the fact that we're feeding our babies simply reminds you that we have....well, you know. Assets. The kid's gotta eat. A lot. This is one area that the covenant with your eyes would come in very handy.

I have much more to say on this subject (no surprise). Things my husband has told me from a male point of view. We've been reading "Sex Isn't the Problem: Lust is" by Josh Harris and it's very good and stirs up lots of conversation. But I've already written quite a bit here, so maybe I'll do a part two at another time. Unless everybody yells at me that I'm an idiot and to just keep my stinkin' opinions to myself.

Then I'll just quietly fume.