Ten Years Later

I sat last night at a highschool graduation. The class of 2010. It dawned on me that 2010 is ten years more than 2000.

I'm brilliant, as you know.

My math skills are significant because I was in the graduating class of 2000. Ten years have slipped past since the night I turned my tassel and tossed my cap. Ten years since I kissed school goodbye.

That is, until I got the bright idea to homeschool. There were a few years of educational respite, though.

Ten years may seem like nothing to some. To those younger than I, it probably seems like forever. I can attest that it does seem like ten years should feel longer than it does. Especially considering all that has changed in my life in those years.

As I watched thirtysome 18 year olds celebrate the end of their highschool careers, I found myself musing about them, which made me feel incredibly old, but I decided to go with it. I thought back to how I felt at my graduation. Adult. Mature. Free. Excited about the future. And though I didn't have college plans like most of my friends, I did have a very clear picture of what my life would hold.

I'm probably not the only person in the universe who didn't have things turn out the way they thought they would.

I thought I knew a lot. I still think that way, because that's one of those annoying traits that proud people struggle with. But anything I know now that I didn't know then has come with a price. A struggle. A pinch. A humbling.

I wonder what I would tell my 18 year old self if given the chance. If I had the opportunity to lay out what I wish I had known then without all the heartaches that came with that knowledge, what would I say?

I'd have to start by saying, yes, you will marry Seth. Relax. It won't be an easy road. You won't have a carefree and fairy tale life. But you will have your heart's desire. He will be your husband. He will give you children. He will make you laugh, support you, compliment you where you fall short, bring you ice cream when you're pregnant, take your nagging with grace and a smile, and occasionally mow the lawn. He will frustrate you, confuse you, inspire you, and challenge you. It won't always be a piece of cake, but you will be far happier than you can imagine. And even when things are rough, you'll love him as madly as you do today.

You can stop worrying about all that pressure you feel about not having great career aspirations. You will miss your friends when they leave for college, you will wonder if you are somehow worth less than they are because you have chosen not to follow that path. But don't worry. God has a plan. He didn't plant those aspirations in you because He knows you will need to focus everything you've got on raising the children He sends your way.

You will go through a period of feeling out of touch. All your friends will be starting their sophomore year of college and you will be saying your vows. For awhile, you will be the awkward ones. It will be a few years before your friends catch up to you in matrimony. Same goes for having kids. It's okay though. God will use that time to draw you closer to your family, to the relationships that will mean more than any others to you. You will deepen your love for your mom and dad, your sisters and spouses, your husband's family...all the people you will see often for the rest of your life.

You know how everybody's always saying credit cards are evil? Listen to them.

Get a hairless dog.

Get over your feelings of inadequacy. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme if you have less money, a smaller home, an older car. It doesn't matter if you aren't the greatest housekeeper, don't have a "beach body", or if you feel incredibly socially awkward. Find out the things you love doing, the things God plants in your heart. Work on perfecting those aspects of your life instead of worrying about being like everyone else.

There are events in your future that will shake the very foundations of everything you believe. There are undoubtedly still more that I don't even know about yet. You will feel like you've hit bottom and then find there's a shovel in your hand and you get to go even lower. There will be loss, heartache, moments where you're not sure this is really happening. It is happening. And when it does, there will be a peace in your heart you won't understand. Learn to recognize this peace and embrace it. Learn to search for it at the first sign of trouble. No matter what happens in your life, God is good.

Four words: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

Work on making people more important than yourself. You tend to get so wrapped up in your opinions that you end up irritating people instead of reaching out to them. Stick your opinions in your blog, but make them as gentle, as loving, as understanding as you can.

You'll figure out what a blog is on your own.

Be compassionate. Learn to see past the divisions people like to draw. Remember that in God's eyes, there is no Jew or Greek, male or female, Baptist or Pentecostal, Calvinist or Armenian, Team Jacob or Team Edward. God sees hearts. Work on seeing hearts too. Work on seeing categories less and accepting people for who they are, even (or rather especially) when they go against your own preferences.

The last two seasons of X-Files will make you wonder why you devoted so much of your adolescence to this show. As will the second movie. But there's always fanfic.

Francine Rivers. Trust me.

Your first child will be a boy. As will your second. You will not regret this.

I could go on. There are so many things I would want to tell my young self. So many lessons I wish I could spare her.

But maybe that's the point of all of this. We don't get a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to learning life's lessons. It's all part of the process. God doesn't microwave saints. It's more like a slow cooker. Time needs to pass, the unexpected has to happen, your story has to unfold. Understanding only comes from watching God weave together the events in your life. Even if I was able to go back in time and get my 18 year old self to read this, she probably wouldn't understand what I'm trying to tell her. She isn't ready to yet. But God will get her there. Just like He will continue to mold me and write my story until the day I close my eyes here on earth and open them in glory.

But man, knowing that hairless dog bit would spare me so much vacuuming.