Tongue Tied

He's home now. He's young again. He's no longer hurting, or laboring to breathe. He is at peace. He's with his Savior. But we are here, still tethered to our earthly bodies and the sorrow that comes with them. We miss him. We can't help but cry in our sadness. I've been thinking of my Grampa a lot lately, knowing this day was not far off. Memories of him keep flooding back, swirling around in my head in fragments, trying to make a complete thought. The sound of a basketball hitting blacktop. The smell of grass and sweat. The promise of another chocolate popsicle if I do another trick, sing another song for the video camera. The game of trying to slap his hand before his fingers could catch mine. Seeing him sitting in his chair, munching on cashews and cracking jokes with Gramma. I only knew my Grampa for 25 of his 86 years. I can't help but feel cheated. Like I should have had longer with him. In selfishness, I wish he could have been here for my children to...

So, I've been told I need to update my blog. I've been a bit distracted lately, what with a new baby and all. I don't have anything of great depth or creative insight to share, but I'll try thinking of something soon. Instead, I'll just update you on my oh-so-exciting life. Son number 2 arrived November 30, 2007, three weeks early but not a moment too soon. He is a wonderful baby, very happy, easy going, and fat. Thing One has adjusted nicely to having a baby brother and asks frequently when Thing Two will be big enough to play with him. Potty training has finally been successful. While not perfect yet, we're definitely through the worst of it I think...I hope... I'm getting an antsy kind of feeling about my house. Like things need to change. I get that feeling every so often, like I've just been looking at that paint color for too long. I have the urge to paint everything. And rearrange furniture. And take a sledge hammer to the bathroom. Ho...

Do you constantly feel like nobody "gets" you? Like you’re an alien in a world of perfectly normal human beings? Like you’re judged for believing so deeply in what you do? Yeah, count me in. The older I get, the more abnormal I feel. When I was younger I was able to just go with the flow. Accept the norm. Believe what I was told. But as the years go by, I find myself questioning more, searching for deeper answers, trying desperately to make sense of everything I’ve been fed in my life. And whenever one challenges the norm, that one becomes a misfit. I feel it most in my spiritual life. There are times I really feel like I don’t belong where I am. I know that God has put me where I am for a purpose. But there are days when I grow weary of getting "that look" from another believer. It’s a multi-purpose look. It says "What in the world are you talking about?", "In no way are you right", and "Seriously, you’re weird" all at the same time. I...

So, I had special music in church this morning. And of course, with that, came the joy of choosing a song to sing. I usually do contemporary stuff, mostly because the accompaniment is easy to find, cheap to download, or relatively easy to play. This time, I had some other considerations. Being 24 1/2 weeks pregnant (only 15 1/2 to go!) I knew it probably wouldn't be wise to pick a "vocally challenging" song, as I can hardly breathe as it is and didn't want to hyperventilate in church trying to master a song needing a two octave range or anything. Nor did I want to memorize a lot of words since my brain is basically mush right now. But I wanted something passionate. Something worshipful. Something meaningful. These weren't new criteria for me. Those are always standards when I pick out a song. It has to mean something to me before I can hope it will mean something to others. I have an extraordinarily hard time faking enjoying a song when I really don't...

Today, I physically feel weight on my shoulders because of the actions of those who claim to love Christ freely, but have burdened Christ’s children with their own opinions. I feel hurt and powerless, abused and taken advantage of. But my sorrow isn’t only for me, it’s for them as well. Legalism. It has been following me around my entire life, like some wretched disease I can’t shake. There was a time when I was overtaken with it, fully infected myself and blissfully unaware. But the older I got, the more I realized how judgmental I had become. It was so bad that I looked down on anyone that didn’t share my opinion, my "God-given" opinion at that. Everyone needed to obey my rules and standards, or they weren’t being good Christians. It was a startling moment of clarity when I realized my behavior. While studying the Gospels I found that I could relate to the Pharisees more than I could the disciples. Instead of being open to learn, I had shut the book on my relationship with ...

These are pretty hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s5SWXwqkP4&mode=related&search = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3joK5kHhDaI&mode=related&search =

Thanks for the idea, Mandy. Top Ten Moments in My Spiritual Life Thus Far 1. May 17, 1987 (I’m pretty sure about the date, anyway). It was a week after my fifth birthday, one night after church, I believe. Mom was putting me to bed, and we were talking about how to get to Heaven. I don’t remember everything that was said, but I do have a clear recollection of understanding that I was a sinner and could only get to Heaven by believing in Christ’s death and resurrection for my salvation. I remember kneeling by my bed, praying to Jesus to forgive me and take me to Heaven one day. I also remember joyfully running around the house with my sisters afterwards as they sang "Kathy’s saved!" 2. Two years later. Baptism. I have vivid memories of going forward after church to announce my desire to be baptized. I was really nervous to be standing in front of my church as a seven year old girl. I also remember the pre-baptism classes with my father and my friend Seth. Although I knew much ...