Being a Parent
It seems like Attachment Parenting is in the news a lot lately, thanks to a magazine cover designed to create negative attention and make AP moms look nutty. Yesterday, I read an interview with a celebrity who labels herself and AP, and reading through the comments, I was kinda surprised by the negativity and harsh response people have about it.
If you don't know what Attachment Parenting is, it's basically just a mindset of childrearing that advocates extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, and things like that. Dr. Sears made it famous, but it's been around since ancient times.
I wouldn't call myself fully AP, but I was doing things that fit in with this mindset before I knew it was a thing. A lot of aspects of AP changed my life in a positive way.
However, I did NOT set out to be an AP parent. In fact, before Thing One was born, I was full of this holier than thou idea that a lot of the mean comments in that article embodied. I thought children like these were spoiled, the parents were emotionally needy, and there was no way I'd be as soft as that. My kids would sleep in their own beds. They'd nurse when I told them to. My schedule, my decisions, my way.
What a naive arse I was.
It's easy to have parenting convictions before you have children. But be prepared to find out you had no clue what you were talking about.
Enter Thing One. He cried. A lot. He nursed. A lot. And he ended up in our bed. A lot.
And for the longest time, I felt guilty about "giving in" to my baby's demands. But then, when he was about six months old, I was at a baby shower for a friend, and people were sharing tidbits of advice for the new mom. A sweet older woman who didn't have any children spoke up that she always thought that if a baby was crying, you should pick it up. In my mind I scoffed "easy for her to say" and "that's a good way to get a spoiled brat".
But then later, in the middle of the night, when I was in my second hour of trying to get Thing One to "cry it out" and go to sleep, I had a bit of a mind change. Suddenly I wondered why IS it such a bad thing to hold and comfort a crying baby? Can I really spoil my son by holding him and nursing him? Will being physically attached to him more really ruin him? Why does an infant need independence?
So I went to his room. I picked him up, wrapped him in my arms, took him to bed with me and nursed him. His crying stopped, his breathing calmed, he slept. Really slept. And so did I.
In the morning, I decided that there was nothing wrong with my baby needing me. And that I was going to stop this "Me versus him" mentality. He was my child, not an enemy.
Thing One has always been the child that needed me most. When Thing Two came along, I tried to be AP with him, and he didn't go for it as much. He preferred his own bed, he nursed pretty much the normal way and he didn't cry a lot. I still held him all the time (and got super big muscles because of it) but I had to change my methods a bit to accommodate this new family member. Same with Homegirl.
So here's my thinking about parenting methods. They all have their merits, and they can all end up being useless crap. Being focused on following a certain method rigidly probably won't work, because (newsflash) each child will be different. You'll probably have at least one hard one and one easy one. And one is not better than the other, just different. They require the same love and sacrifice, just manifested in different ways.
AP did do some good things for me. It got me to question my motives. It pushed me to swallow my pride and do what was important for my family and not just what I wanted. It made me a little more warm hearted toward others, to get over my irritation (for the most part) with being touched constantly by little ones. I still like my personal space, but sometimes, I gotta put that aside and be the kind of mom my Things need, instead of being who I naturally am.
Which, if you get right down to it, is what parenting is all about. Sacrificing you to help them.
I don't feel guilty anymore when I co-sleep or nurse on demand. I'm comfortable in my choices. And I don't feel the need to defend myself or denigrate those who practice different methods. Being a good parent is about finding what works in YOUR house and being adaptable. Ignore the haters and don't be one to someone else. And don't fall for media sensationalism.
Just play nice.
If you don't know what Attachment Parenting is, it's basically just a mindset of childrearing that advocates extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, and things like that. Dr. Sears made it famous, but it's been around since ancient times.
I wouldn't call myself fully AP, but I was doing things that fit in with this mindset before I knew it was a thing. A lot of aspects of AP changed my life in a positive way.
However, I did NOT set out to be an AP parent. In fact, before Thing One was born, I was full of this holier than thou idea that a lot of the mean comments in that article embodied. I thought children like these were spoiled, the parents were emotionally needy, and there was no way I'd be as soft as that. My kids would sleep in their own beds. They'd nurse when I told them to. My schedule, my decisions, my way.
What a naive arse I was.
It's easy to have parenting convictions before you have children. But be prepared to find out you had no clue what you were talking about.
Enter Thing One. He cried. A lot. He nursed. A lot. And he ended up in our bed. A lot.
And for the longest time, I felt guilty about "giving in" to my baby's demands. But then, when he was about six months old, I was at a baby shower for a friend, and people were sharing tidbits of advice for the new mom. A sweet older woman who didn't have any children spoke up that she always thought that if a baby was crying, you should pick it up. In my mind I scoffed "easy for her to say" and "that's a good way to get a spoiled brat".
But then later, in the middle of the night, when I was in my second hour of trying to get Thing One to "cry it out" and go to sleep, I had a bit of a mind change. Suddenly I wondered why IS it such a bad thing to hold and comfort a crying baby? Can I really spoil my son by holding him and nursing him? Will being physically attached to him more really ruin him? Why does an infant need independence?
So I went to his room. I picked him up, wrapped him in my arms, took him to bed with me and nursed him. His crying stopped, his breathing calmed, he slept. Really slept. And so did I.
In the morning, I decided that there was nothing wrong with my baby needing me. And that I was going to stop this "Me versus him" mentality. He was my child, not an enemy.
Thing One has always been the child that needed me most. When Thing Two came along, I tried to be AP with him, and he didn't go for it as much. He preferred his own bed, he nursed pretty much the normal way and he didn't cry a lot. I still held him all the time (and got super big muscles because of it) but I had to change my methods a bit to accommodate this new family member. Same with Homegirl.
So here's my thinking about parenting methods. They all have their merits, and they can all end up being useless crap. Being focused on following a certain method rigidly probably won't work, because (newsflash) each child will be different. You'll probably have at least one hard one and one easy one. And one is not better than the other, just different. They require the same love and sacrifice, just manifested in different ways.
AP did do some good things for me. It got me to question my motives. It pushed me to swallow my pride and do what was important for my family and not just what I wanted. It made me a little more warm hearted toward others, to get over my irritation (for the most part) with being touched constantly by little ones. I still like my personal space, but sometimes, I gotta put that aside and be the kind of mom my Things need, instead of being who I naturally am.
Which, if you get right down to it, is what parenting is all about. Sacrificing you to help them.
I don't feel guilty anymore when I co-sleep or nurse on demand. I'm comfortable in my choices. And I don't feel the need to defend myself or denigrate those who practice different methods. Being a good parent is about finding what works in YOUR house and being adaptable. Ignore the haters and don't be one to someone else. And don't fall for media sensationalism.
Just play nice.
Comments
right before noah was born, another young mom gave me the best advice (for me): let him nurse when he wanted, whether it was every hour, three hours, or even six, because he knew what he needed.
gasp! not every 3 hours?!?
but i listened to her, and that's when i realized all the uptight rules made for robot children will not work for every family.
and i haven't regretted a minute of it.
i wish people would just stop thinking their way is the best way, or at least stop preaching it. we are all different and so are the children... thank goodness! :)