I need a mental health day
This is not working.
I've reached the point of desperation with one of my children.
And he's only seven.
Nothing about Thing One has ever been easy. As a baby, every day he spent hours crying. As a toddler, he learned how to add throwing things to the crying. By preschool, he'd learned how to add attitude to the tantrums. And now as a schoolager, he simply refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do.
He doesn't have ADD, or ADHD, or Autsim or Asperger's or any other definable health or learning issues.
I think the label he'd get would be "strong willed."
I've gotten lots of advice over the years, some asked for, most not. I've been told I'm not disciplining right, not praying hard enough, not following the right formula for success. I've been given books and blogs and gurus to research.
I've done everything I can think of. I've tried the graceful, patient approach. I've tried the firm, consequences approach. I've tried everything in between. I've spent hours praying. I've had him memorize verses. I've memorized verses. We read the Bible every day. We communicate.
But the behavior never changes.
It's not that he's incapable of being good. For the most part, I don't get complaints about his behavior from any other authority. I've heard that he's sweet and obedient. But that's not the story where I am concerned. For some reason, I'm the adversary, but one he can't live without. In one day, I'll hear "I love you" from him half the time and "I hate you" half the time. He shows remorse after he disobeys or hurts my feelings. He says sorry. But then we go through the whole routine again later. In his calm moments, we have reasonable discussions about what it means to love someone and how we treat people. We study the Bible together and talk about how Jesus wants us to act. But the moment something happens that he doesn't like, he goes into his stubborn shell and throws tantrums.
I don't feel peace about that one. When I imagine his future, I feel great concern. I see him unhappy, having broken relationships and scarred by bitterness. No mother wants to envision that for their child, even their strong willed child, but I'm cursed with a realistic brain, and I can't help but worry for him.
I pray for a miracle for him every day. The only thing that will change my son's heart is Jesus. And I'm supposed to be part of that process, but I have absolutely no idea what to do. Almost on a daily basis, I have to back away and think "Okay, I obviously can't change him, so what does Jesus want me to do right now."
If you don't have a really strong willed child, I can tell. Those who don't have a truly frustrating kid offer me answers for a happy, harmonious home, or they might think I'm exaggerating his behavior or making a bigger deal than I need to. Those who really understand what I'm going through know that the only true thing is that God is good and by his grace I'll survive. They know that there isn't an easy, pat, here-ya-go formula for a strong-willed child's success. They know what it's like to be humbled as a parent and feel like they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. They know that obeying God yourself doesn't guarantee your child will.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with him, like I'm a total failure as a parent and christian and homeschooler. But I know I've felt it a thousand times before, and time will march on regardless of my feelings.
There's nothing quite as confusing as parenting, is there? How strange to be so in love with someone who frustrates me to my breaking point. All I can do is follow God as best I can and pray for a miracle. I've seen God change stubborn wills before, but not without great pain and trial. And that's hard for a mom to accept for her kids, even if she knows that's what it might take.
**Update: I love Thing One quite a lot. Yes, he frustrates the snot out of me. Yes, I can envision him being unhappy. But I can also envision him growing up and being used by God and me sighing with relief. He's spent most of today awkwardly trying to make me believe he's sorry for his bad behavior this morning. He won't end up in prison. I don't think.
Comments
ha.
i totally understand. and i have no advice for you. i praise you for even homeschooling him, because i've already stated that it will be impossible for me to homeschool her. it's february and we haven't made i past the letter C... good thing she's 3 and not in kindergarten...
the one thing that came to my mind while i was reading this, was something we talked about in small group this week. we've been talking about leaving a legacy and what we want our kids to grow up remembering/doing/etc. this week we talked about how we can do our job as a parent (even if we think we're failing in the moment, if we are doing what God wants us to do as a parent, we are being a success), but that sometimes the child grows up and doesn't choose to follow what he's been taught. that isn't failure on our parts (if we've done our job).
i worry about ruby, and reading this makes me worry how the next few years are going to be... but i need to focus on teaching her what His word says and helping reinforce her behavior based on that. and i fail at this often. she IS one strong willed child.
you're not alone. and i wish i had advice for you. but if you happen to figure it out, do share...
until then, keep praying. and breathe...
He's very Jekyll and Hyde. He's either overly loving or overly rebellious. It has gotten quite challenging to homeschool him, but I don't really have any other options at this point. Next year, I'm going to try online school. Hopefully that will be a better fit.
What a great reminder though--about leaving a legacy. It comes down to a matter of surrender, doesn't it? To a mom, nothing is harder than surrendering her children to God, because a desirable outcome isn't guaranteed. I see great potential in Thing One, but it's scary to just "let go and let God".
I would love to hear from a seasoned parent who can say "I had a strong willed child, and he/she is doing great now." I've seen enough of the opposite. It would be nice to see some proof that a positive outcome is possible!
Secondly, I can see that nothing has changed since we were rearing our children and home educating. Everything you said I could relate to and took me back to those days when I was the one needing a mental health day---actually,there were times I felt as though I needed a straight jacket. LOL
Yes, on many occasions (more times than not) I felt like a failure as a parent, as a teacher and even as a wife. At times I would grab my journal and "run" to the local park and spout off in it. Those journals are going to make for some interesting reading after I am "gone"!!
God IS working a miracle in Ethan's life each and every day--and God is using you and Seth to accomplish His purposes. Remember, as a first born Ethan's only role models are grownups so he is more apt to be a perfectionist and can get frustrated when he feels like he is not measuring up.
If I may make a suggestion--instead of focusing on a child "being good" focus on his "doing good things". There is none righteous--no not one---only God can truly be good. "Being" focuses on me while "doing" focuses on others. If our children were going to a friend's house or wherever, instead of saying, “be good”, I would tell them, “do good things”.
Kathy, you ARE doing what God wants you to do and when you come to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on. Sometimes when you don't know what to do, maybe God is just telling you to step back and do nothing. I am not saying that we should allow our children to get away with direct disobedience--that needs to be dealt with immediately. But, speaking from experience sometimes we are trying to fit our children into a mold that we think is best for them but a mold for which God did not intend for them. The verse comes to mind, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". A long time ago I heard the first part of this verse stated, "Train up a child in the bent of his gift..." which encouraged me to see each of our children as unique and a personage to be dealt with according to how God fashioned them. I became a student of my children and not only did I learn a lot about them, but did they ever teach me a lot about myself!!! Children have the uncanny ability to bring out the best in us as well as the worst.
When you do discipline the children, make sure they know that the correction is over. One of your last comments, "He's spent most of today awkwardly trying to make me believe he's sorry for his bad behavior this morning.". I am so glad that when we go to God and ask for forgiveness for an already-asked-for-forgiveness-of-sin----- in other words a past sin that "so easily has beset us" and one that we have already asked for forgiveness. God's response is, "What sin!!!" We need to pass that same idea on to our children when they sin against us and have already asked to be forgiven.
I reread your original post and you are doing the correct things to train up your children. As I mentally look at our 7 offspring, I see all 7 and their families serving the Lord, and those whom God has blessed with children, intent on rearing them to be Godly, productive citizens who also want to serve the Lord. Does this mean that each parental couple is training in the same manner? Nope—but I can see that each one is living by and teaching Godly principles according to the “bent of their gifts”. Does this mean that each one of us has always done the right thing? Nope! But I can honestly say that I am truly proud of our 12 kids (including spouses) and how they are allowing God to work in and through them.