Biggest Winner

I'm conflicted.

I'm going to be honest, though at the risk of offending someone. I hate how exercise-obsessed our culture is. It's not exercise that bothers me, not hardly. I spent a good portion of my pre-mothering life engaged in sweaty sports and had a great time doing it. And I certainly don't embrace the flip side of the coin of our culture--the side that has to supersize every meal and drown in in food.

But I'm tired of seeing our culture's idea of beauty. I resist this idea that a woman has to be toned and bony in order to be attractive. Why does perfect equate to working out constantly in order to look like the airbrushed and photoshopped mutilation of women that we see in media? Because let's be honest, just eating right and working out apparently isn't enough for our celebrities to be beautiful. They need surgeries and technology to make it "better".

As Cindy Crawford has said "I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford."

So I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing women objectified in ads, even under the guise of athleticism, trouncing around in sports bras and underwear and telling me to "just do it." And I'm tired of feeling this guilt, like I'm not a better human being because I don't work out.

And in the twisted irony that is womanhood, I also want to lose weight.

Here's the thing though--I'm not "overweight". I have never been told by a doctor that my health would improve if I lost weight. I don't have any health issues at all, unless you count the fact that I have been tired since Thing One was born. (I think the medical term for that is "motherhood".) I'm within the appropriate weight for my height, at least by medical standards. And without crossing the tmi line, I'm definitely the only one in my marriage complaining about my appearance. My husband makes me feel beautiful and womanly.

So why do I hate the way I look? Why do I think I'd be happier with myself if I could get rid of extra skin and stretch marks?

I've been thinking about this for awhile, because nothing makes me feel worse about my appearance than a pregnancy. I've been weighing (no pun intended) in my heart my attitude towards my body and what God has to say about my value and beauty. I've endeavored to quiet all the other voices that tell me beautiful and smart women are a size 2 and work out as much as possible.

And here's what I've decided are the things that will make me beautiful: Noble character, hard work, taking care of my family, having compassion on the needy, supporting my husband, wisdom, giving godly advice. And that's just from Proverbs 31.

I even think it might be sin for me to work out and lose weight right now. Notice I said "for me". I'm not saying that exercise is sin, not at all! But I've examined my motives in wanting to lose weight, and honestly, it all comes down to pride. I can pretend it would fall under "getting healthy", but that would be a lie, because I am healthy already. It would be entirely self serving--so that I could compensate for the parts of my appearance that I don't like with a tiny waist or skinny arms. It would be to make me feel better about myself and being better in the eyes of others. It would not be to glorify God.

And on the other hand, I want to be careful not to make myself feel better with food. But that's another post for another day.

So anyway...take that, Victoria's Secret, Hollywood, Pinterest, and Jillian Michaels. I'm choosing to accept my weight. I'm going to work on getting in shape in the areas God wants to see improvement, as referenced in 1 Peter:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes (the things we do to try to please ourselves and other's eyes). Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

I want to get to the point where sin in my heart appalls me as much as my physical flaws (which are not sin!)