Not Parent-Centered, Not Child-Centered, But Rather Christ-Centered

I have recently come to a very freeing conclusion. One that has deepened my relationship with the most important parties in my life, namely my heavenly Father, my husband, and my children.

My conclusion is simply this: My kids don't have to be perfect.

Stating the obvious? Perhaps. But you wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous struggles I've had just because I had some silly notion that my kids weren't meeting certain criteria--keeping up the appearances of a model Christian family.

So often, we parent not for our children, but for the people watching. We allow others' notions of acceptable behavior to dictate our standards, our methods, our values, instead of looking only to God's Word for these things. But I'm through with parenting for the masses, with the constant comparisons of my children to others, of pretending to care about things I didn't really care about just so I look acceptable to others.

I'll go so far to say that not only do my kids not have to be perfect, I don't want them to be perfect!

A perfect child has no need of forgiveness. A perfect child never feels the weight of sin. A perfect child never understands the need for grace.

So I want my kids to make mistakes. I totally believe that tantrums, disobedience, talking back, whining...all of these are teachable moments. They are not opportunities for me to scream or yell...though I'd be lying if I said that never happened. They are not moments that they need to see "the wrath of God". They are not times for me to push my own agenda of proper behavioral standards. They are moments when a precious child is displaying his need of a Savior. While they were caught up in their childish acts of rebellion...that was when Christ died for them. Not when they were being good and sweet and kind. But when they were sinners.

I am ashamed to admit that I have sometimes doubted my God-given instincts as a mother because they are in contrast to many of the ideas that are prevalent. I can remember feeling guilt because I didn't let my baby cry it out, or because I nursed on demand, or because my children are welcome into our bed anytime. I'm not a big proponent of spanking, I don't schedule my newborn's feedings or naps, and I don't mind getting up a couple times a night to comfort a crying infant. I used to feel like I was making mistakes following my instincts. That because I parented differently, I parented wrong. There are many in Christian circles who tout man-made ideals as the only way to successfully parent. They praise authors, books, and formulas as the key to godly parenting. Some of these authors have great insight. Others give me the creeps. But I have chosen to ignore most of them. I don't want to get caught up in any parenting guru or method. I do not care if my ways are looked down on. I do not answer to anyone for my parenting other than my Father.

So when it comes to my parenting style, I am trying to only focus on God's Word and how it applies to my children. God has given me these children for a purpose. He knows my convictions and my beliefs. He knows my goals as a mom. And he has blessed me with two amazing kids whom I love so dearly and whom I'm so proud of.

My goal as a parent is not to have perfect little Christian kid-bots. I want them to do right, yes. I want them to be sociable and polite, sure. But more important to me than their behavior are their hearts. I want them to follow after God because they are fiercely in love with Him and have felt His touch on their lives, not because I tell them to. I want them to obey Christ because they long to please Him, not because they'll be punished if they don't. I want them to see us as their parents for what we are--fellow sinners saved by grace, whom God has assigned to be their guides to the cross. I want to be a model of Christ to my kids. Since Ethan was just an infant, I have been claiming Galatians 5:22-23 as my standard for how I want to parent. Believe me, I have failed countless times, but I keep coming back to these verses. I keep reading them and rereading them and immersing myself in the words and their meaning. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law." I want my kids to see these attributes in me. Like I said, I fail everyday, but by the grace of God, He is working on me and helping me to push past a selfish desire for my kids to never show their sin nature, especially in public. I cannot control how my kids behave every second. I can only control my reaction to their behavior. And I want that reaction to always be in love, in gentleness, correcting in a Christlike manner. They will not succeed with rules alone. Rules without relationship breed rebellion. They need to be shown how much we love them and what the rules protect them from. And they need to know that we are not going to stop loving them even for a second, no matter what they do...just as Christ has loved us and forgiven us.

Thank you God for my wonderful children. Thank you that every day, I am given moments in which I can show them your love--moments in which you sharpen me and mold me into your image. Lord, help me be an instrument that shows them your fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Help me to extend these attributes rather than expect them from my children.

And may the kindness of God shown in us pull them to the cross.