Not My Best Moment

So, this has been a very surreal few days for me. Full of some major lows, but also incredible lessons that will hopefully keep me out of the mire like this in the future.

It's very difficult when someone thinks they have you figured out, and they don't like what they see. All too often, we are so quick to ascribe people motives or ideas that aren't really the case. We see what we want to see, we pick at what we think is a problem, we judge, and we break hearts in the process.

I am not immune to this struggle. I have been judged. And I have judged. Double whammy.

I'm not really into dramatics. I don't like petty arguments. I loathe heated discussions that are wrapped up in emotions. They never end well. They only make the problem worse. But hating these things doesn't keep me out of these situations sometimes. The other day, I found myself at the point of choosing how to respond to someone who was trying to pick a fight with me. Someone who has hurt me and the ones I love many times and doesn't even realize it.

I responded poorly.

Anger and hurt feelings are never good accessories in these situations. But I decided I was fed up. I ignored the voice in my head that said "forgive...let go...ignore." Through my tears I lashed out, pouring out part of the bitterness that had grown inside me over the years of mistreatment.

Talk about gasoline on a fire.

For a few minutes, I felt good. I felt free of the annoying "keep it to yourself" voice that I'd heeded for so long. But it wasn't long before the silence of that voice threw me into the realization of what I had done.

I have been working so hard on seeking the Holy Spirit's voice in every situation. Praying over every decision I make. Running my responses past that voice before actually responding. But all of the sudden, it was just so easy to throw all that out the window. And when the dust settled, the silence was overwhelming.

I tossed and turned all night, my conscience raging, but still letting the hurt and sin against me try to swallow the hurt and sin I caused against another. I didn't want to think about that person hurting. I just wanted to sulk in a corner and lick my wounds.

But my Heavenly Father is so good. He is so full of grace and love and truth and light. Finally, when I accepted that I had sinned, I heard His voice again, asking me if letting those hurtful words out had made any of the pain I felt from this person go away. I admitted it hadn't.

I decided then and there that I couldn't let this continue to fester. So I sent an e-mail to this person...probably not the best way, but it was the one available to me...admitting that I had sinned in my reaction. I really did mean it. Sinking to that level did not change anyone's mind, it did not solve any problems, and it definitely didn't please my Father. I don't want to get caught up in that filth, in that mindset of getting even. Truly, all I want is peace. I sabotaged that with my sin, but God is good. He can heal. And He has forgiven me.

I don't know if this person will ever forgive me. I don't know if the relationship will ever change. I know God can work. So we will see. I will pray. I will keep my mouth shut when anger and hurt boil over (Lord help me please!). I don't want to live in the shackles of pride and sin. It really is so much better to turn the other cheek, even when every fiber of your being wants to throw your own punch.

Lord, help me remember your love on the cross, even as I mocked you and hurt you. You forgave. You loved.