Things I learned from Breaking Dawn Part 2
You know how sometimes you have guilty pleasures--stuff you swear you hate but in secret, you can't help liking it?
This isn't one of those things.
I read the Twilight series before they were popular (aka, before teenagers found them), and thought they were a relatively interesting read. The characters in my head were likable, the story interesting.
And no one sparkled.
But these movies...MAN are they bad. Seriously, without a doubt the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Bar none. Even that one movie with the horse on the beach, mom. I'd gladly take that over this.
Except, that it IS really fun to make fun of Twilight while you watch it. And this last one had my inner monologue going into sarcasm overload. I seriously chuckled out loud once because of the voices in my head.
1. There is nothing, NOTHING creepier than a CGI'd baby.
2. Well, maybe one thing--the girls in the audience going "awww" at the CGI'd baby. (Who doesn't love a baby that's had work done?)
3. All vampires have the same fashion sense--sort of an indie, hipster, black tights underneath our shorts kind of look. Even the ones that are supposed to be exotic look like they shop at Forever 21 and then add some body paint.
4. To project your powers onto someone else, all you have to do is make the same face as a pooping toddler.
5. Putting more makeup on Kristen Stewart doesn't make her a better actress.
6. The Cullens really need to get cable or something, so they don't have to sit around smashing rocks while arm wrestling or pretending to enjoy Edward's four hundredth classical piano ballad.
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7. Taylor Lautner....really, girls? Seriously?
8. Seth's and my love will never equal that of Edward and Bella, because we never just sit in a meadow, basking in our own glittery-ness, reliving the days when I found out he was a vampire and stayed with him anyway. I mean, we'd love to, but who has time with all the arm wrestling and piano playing?
9. When vampires meet up for a battle, the interesting stuff only happens in their minds.
10. Dakota Fanning has trouble with eye liner.
So, why did I watch these movies? Sometimes, I really don't know. I had high hopes for the first one (and was disappointed), and then I kept hoping they'd get better (they didn't). But it became sort of a tradition with my sister and friend that we'd go to a late night showing of these and laugh about them later (or in the theater, sometimes we couldn't help ourselves). And we'd secretly laugh at the females who gasped every time Taylor Lautner's articles of clothing came off. Those are some sad, small lives...the girls, I mean. Not us. We're like, awesome.
I try not to be judgey, but still. Taylor Lautner. (Scratching my head at that one.)
But I'm glad to say that we can finally lay Twilight to rest. The movies are over. Forever. I hope. The last part of the movie was the word "forever", so that had better be a promise. Maybe in a few years, I'll go back and reread the books, but I'm a little terrified that instead of a young Christian Bale and Ellen Page as my mind imagined, these people will be in their places.
And then I'll cry.
P.S. Thank you, Hunger Games movies, for not being lame.
This isn't one of those things.
I read the Twilight series before they were popular (aka, before teenagers found them), and thought they were a relatively interesting read. The characters in my head were likable, the story interesting.
And no one sparkled.
But these movies...MAN are they bad. Seriously, without a doubt the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Bar none. Even that one movie with the horse on the beach, mom. I'd gladly take that over this.
Except, that it IS really fun to make fun of Twilight while you watch it. And this last one had my inner monologue going into sarcasm overload. I seriously chuckled out loud once because of the voices in my head.
1. There is nothing, NOTHING creepier than a CGI'd baby.
2. Well, maybe one thing--the girls in the audience going "awww" at the CGI'd baby. (Who doesn't love a baby that's had work done?)
3. All vampires have the same fashion sense--sort of an indie, hipster, black tights underneath our shorts kind of look. Even the ones that are supposed to be exotic look like they shop at Forever 21 and then add some body paint.
4. To project your powers onto someone else, all you have to do is make the same face as a pooping toddler.
5. Putting more makeup on Kristen Stewart doesn't make her a better actress.
6. The Cullens really need to get cable or something, so they don't have to sit around smashing rocks while arm wrestling or pretending to enjoy Edward's four hundredth classical piano ballad.
7. Taylor Lautner....really, girls? Seriously?
8. Seth's and my love will never equal that of Edward and Bella, because we never just sit in a meadow, basking in our own glittery-ness, reliving the days when I found out he was a vampire and stayed with him anyway. I mean, we'd love to, but who has time with all the arm wrestling and piano playing?
9. When vampires meet up for a battle, the interesting stuff only happens in their minds.
10. Dakota Fanning has trouble with eye liner.
So, why did I watch these movies? Sometimes, I really don't know. I had high hopes for the first one (and was disappointed), and then I kept hoping they'd get better (they didn't). But it became sort of a tradition with my sister and friend that we'd go to a late night showing of these and laugh about them later (or in the theater, sometimes we couldn't help ourselves). And we'd secretly laugh at the females who gasped every time Taylor Lautner's articles of clothing came off. Those are some sad, small lives...the girls, I mean. Not us. We're like, awesome.
I try not to be judgey, but still. Taylor Lautner. (Scratching my head at that one.)
But I'm glad to say that we can finally lay Twilight to rest. The movies are over. Forever. I hope. The last part of the movie was the word "forever", so that had better be a promise. Maybe in a few years, I'll go back and reread the books, but I'm a little terrified that instead of a young Christian Bale and Ellen Page as my mind imagined, these people will be in their places.
And then I'll cry.
P.S. Thank you, Hunger Games movies, for not being lame.
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