Who Am I and What Have I Done With Me?

So, there I was, hobbling through my only semi-busy life, attempting to find a balance that allowed me to homeschool, clean my house, do ministry at church, study stuff, help my mom, take pictures when it suited me, read books, and binge watch Netflix on occasion. And even though there wasn't really that much on my plate, I still had a hard time fitting it all in.

So, I did the most logical thing.

I got a job.

I know, right?

To clarify, I didn't go looking for a job. It was actually the last thing on my mind. But one sorta fell in my lap, like a bug from the ceiling. But unlike the usual bug-jobs that come along, I didn't instantly sweep it off my lap with a screech, because, as I thought about it, it seemed like something that was reasonable for me to do. Maybe even enjoyable eventually.

On paper, it's perfect. I'll be shooting real estate photography for a good sized firm. It's in my field. It's NOT portrait or wedding photography. It's flexible and I'll be making my own schedule. It works out to (hopefully) one or two shoots a week. I'll be making some extra money for the first time in almost a dozen years. I'll get to be in beautiful houses. I know it's a great deal. I know how blessed I am to get a job without even really trying, how fantastic it is to earn money doing something that I actually like to do. I get it, really.

BUT.

There's always a but.

I'm not feeling super great about it yet.

You know how I've always been allergic to making money? I think I figured out why. I think there are two sides of the working coin. There are the people who find fulfillment and identity in working hard in their chosen field, and then there are the people who fear they will lose fulfillment and identity by having a job.

I'm married to the first category, and it's been awesome to watch Seth flourish since becoming a firefighter. This is what he was born to do. He does it well. It makes all the facets of his personality make sense, because they're like pieces of a puzzle that form a good civil servant. I don't mean to say he's a work-a-holic or is obsessed with success. I just mean firefighting has made him a better person.

I'm afraid I'm the latter group though. Having a job makes even activities I love seem stifling. It's hard for me to squeeze myself into all the parts that come with being paid for doing what I love. The phone calls. The e-mails. The all-hours texts. (Really, I get that realtors work hard all the time, but I have "office hours".) The calendar filling up. The taxes. The records. The talking with strangers. The hours spent in my car. The feeling like I don't deserve to be paid for shooting houses, even if I do a better job than a realtor would. I feel like I'm faking.

And I haven't even done my first shoot yet!

Maybe that's why. Maybe the beginning part is the hardest part.  Maybe after I get a few under my belt, I won't feel that constant obsessing in my brain that I hate. Maybe I'll return to my peaceful, chill self. I hope so. I want those fears to go away. It's not failing I'm afraid of. Failing would mean it wasn't for me and I could go back to my hermit hole. It's actually success I'm afraid of. Being busier. Doing this more.

I don't want to be someone chained to her phone and always at work no matter where I am. I shudder at the thought. I don't want to be someone constantly shushing my kids or being so distracted that I can't even acknowledge them. I don't want to blabber on to my husband about work, even if he is kindly interested. And all those things have happened this week.

BUT.

See, there's another one.

I want to contribute to saving for our goal. Our goal of owning a forever home, with land to move around on, space for homeschooling and a studio, a place where we can gather for years to come. We made a deal that we would save up a certain amount of money before we even start entertaining the idea, and we've only gotten a fraction of that amount so far. So here's my chance to help. Even if it sucks for awhile, I can do my part to chip away at that mountain, and BONUS I get to do something I've spent the last few years really investing time and research in. I get to make all those hours (and still countless more in the future) learning editing start working for me.

I hope it doesn't make me hate photography. I hope it doesn't make me a worse mom/wife. I hope I don't let ministry at church get pushed to the back burner. I hope it doesn't distract me from Jesus.

So...here we go.


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