Too Busy for Existential Thoughts

I feel like I'm moving at the speed of light, but simultaneously frozen. I guess that's why I've heard this stage of life referred to as "the blur". My twenties were characterized by life-altering events like marriage and becoming a parent and buying a home and attempting to "find myself". Well, I feel like I successfully located myself at around thirty. I became comfortable in my identity. I identified the parts of me that needed to change and the parts that God had specifically designed for me. I accepted that I would never be super-skinny or good at being extremely busy. Climbing into me resulted in God allowing me to accomplish some really cool things, like co-writing a book, learning how to teach, learning to somewhat play the piano, developing a passion for photography, and cutting myself some slack in the parenting department. 

But here I am, not having any sort of identity crisis, but still feeling lost in my life. Having a lot of roles means that sometimes it can be hard to focus on one at a time. I know who I am as a wife, a mom, a homeschool teacher, and a Christian. And I make no mistake that those are the most important roles right now, so who I am as a musician, a writer, a photographer, and a creative are a little harder to nail down. 

My twenties brought me passion. My thirties are really trying to get in the way of those passions. 

So here I am with three blogs that are more like deserts than lush gardens of self-expression and creativity. Here I am with three children that I spend hours upon hours educating only to still feel like I'm probably failing them as a homeschool teacher. Here I am with a husband that I am out of my mind in love with that I don't have as much time for. Here I am with a body I've accepted and not allowed to rule my life that is throwing exhausting health issues back at me. Here I am with a camera that conjures up more negative feelings than excitement. Here I am with three or four Bible studies under my belt as a teacher and feeling like it's getting harder and harder to focus on Jesus these days. Here I am with lots of home projects completed but I still can't manage to get everything cleaned up at once.

I'm starting to sound a little Ecclesiastes-like, aren't I? "Everything is vanity...."

Here I am with a rich, full life, and I'm struggling with the business that comes along with it.

Now that I'm nearly to my mid-thirties, hopefully I'll be able to find that balance in all the various roles I have. I've successfully identified them all. Now it's time to regulate them. 

 

Or at least find time to write some blog posts now and then.