Who in the world am I?
A video that was shown in youth group last week has kindled my thoughts. In it, the narrator spoke of all the different hats we like to wear, all the personas we give ourselves in our lives that may or may not reflect who we really are. As he was speaking, a montage of people’s backs played, each person wearing a label on the back of their t-shirts giving reference to their persona. Some were labeled with a profession, some a religion, some a political affiliation, and some with emotions or personality traits. The point of the video was to encourage teens to understand that God loves them regardless of what shirt they’re wearing, and that at the heart of it, they are God’s children. But it fueled a question that has been buzzing in my brain ever since.
Who in the world am I?
I am somewhat ashamed of the fact that I have often fallen into the trap of portraying a persona to others so that I fit in. I say somewhat ashamed because, of course I don’t want to always be promoting my own ideas in every group I’m in. It’s okay to fit into conversations and talk about things that perhaps aren’t your favorite subjects. But on the other hand, I feel guilty for worrying about maintaining a certain image in front of the people in my life, especially when that image contradicts my core values.
Why is looking good in front of other people so painfully important to us? Why would it be so bad for others to know we have struggles, we are sinners, we aren’t perfect? After all, the moments when I have been truly taught in matters of the faith are moments when another person has freely let down their guard and shared their personal struggles with me. No one ever benefits from false pretenses.
Well, it has started to really annoy me that this image I have painted for myself doesn’t really reflect me. I don’t want to blend in with the crowd. I don’t want to be known for things that I don’t care about. So I’ve been really trying to hash out my own identity.
I say without a moment’s hesitation that at its core, my identity is wrapped in Jesus Christ. I am nothing without Him. This is my most important distinguishing feature. I am God’s. I am a worthless sinner saved by the matchless grace of Jesus. I was an orphan without a home, a stranger without a name, a sinner without a defense until Jesus changed all that. Now I am a child of God’s, a friend of the Almighty with my name written in His book, and my sins are wiped away with the precious blood of Christ. I don’t say this to fit in with my Christian friends. I say it because I believe it with all my heart and it is my everything.
So yes, Kathy is a happy Christ follower.
The next thing I want to be known for is being Seth’s wife. I love my husband so much, much more than I did thirteen years ago when our journey together began. I want to be characterized by this love. I want my love for Seth to be a reflection of Christ’s love for me. I will happily remain by his side for the remainder of my life. Not because it’s easy, but because it is a choice I made. I have a wonderful husband though, and honestly, it’s not hard to love him more every day. I loved him when he was an ornery teenager so loving him now as a man who strives to please God is not that hard of a decision. I am so proud of the way he has grown in Christ since the day we exchanged vows, and I feel privileged to be the one that gets to see and benefit from this growth more than any other. Even after thirteen years, I still marvel at the idea that Seth chose to marry me. I’m his girl. Nobody else can say that. Being Seth’s wife makes me special. So I don’t mind being pegged as a woman who is gonna try her hardest to be the best wife she can be for the rest of her life.
My third persona is the one that right now I am working the most at. It is a hat I won’t always get to wear, but have been granted the responsibility to carry while it is appropriate. I’m a mom.
Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who work, and I have no problem with that. I’m not picking on any other moms. Financially, sometimes a mom will have to work outside the home. My own mother did when I was a child, and still does. I know lots of moms who work who are still fantastic moms. Perhaps they have to work harder at it than some others, but they are able to balance work and home with finesse. I am not one of these moms. I openly admit that I hate hate hate working outside the home. Even before I was a mom, I hated it. I’ve had two professions, one was terrible (daycare teacher) and one was great (photo editor), but neither brought me joy or satisfaction. I didn’t want my identity to be wrapped in either of those jobs. When people asked me what I did, I didn’t delightfully respond "I’m a photo editor and I love it!" Now, I’m a mom. This more than a career. It’s a calling. And it’s really hard sometimes. But I love it. I have no problems with being pegged as a stay at home mom. You are free to judge me for that as you wish, but I can honestly say, I feel so satisfied in my role as mom. I have no aspirations to have a career. In no way do I believe having a career would make me a better person, a happier person, or a more satisfied person. I love being my own boss in a sense. Now, of course, my husband is the boss of our family, for all you people out there thinking "she’s not being submissive if she says she’s her own boss." Seth may be the head, but it’s not like he tells me how to do the laundry or change a diaper. He trusts my instincts on those matters. So yes, I get to decide what kind of mom I’m going to be, and I feel very confident in my role. I never felt confident in my jobs. I felt like a fish out of water. But mothering is as natural to me as breathing. I’m not saying it’s easy or even that I’m really great at it. But there’s no doubt that this is who I’m supposed to be. Someday, my children will leave home and this role will change. So while I have it, I’m gonna use it, I’m going to dedicate myself to it. I’m going to work hard to teach my children the Scriptures and of salvation, and of all the practical things they need to know too. So what if there would be more money and no debt if I had a job. So what if I’m not free to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. So what if I drive a minivan and plan to homeschool and wear sweats all day instead of a suit. I’m a mom. I’m gonna relish it. There is no job I could do that is more important that the job I have in training my kids.
There are other roles I enjoy: daughter, sister, friend, youth leader, musician, neighbor. These are all important to me. I want them to be in my portfolio.
Now for things that I don’t care about: I don’t care about money. I couldn’t always say that, I admit, but I’m figuring out that having money is not nearly important as people make it out to be. I don’t want to be careless about it, but I refuse to dedicate my life to building wealth. I also don’t care about being skinny or in shape. I like to exercise, i.e. playing with my children or going up and down the stairs doing laundry and even playing some organized sports . But you won’t find me in a gym, sweating to shed those extra baby pounds or have beautiful abs. I’m happy with the way I look. I’m not overweight (okay, maybe a few pounds, but I did just have a baby three months ago). I’m in great health, and I try to make good decisions for the most part concerning my diet. But I will never be a slave to my body and I’m tired of pretending that I care about how much I weigh. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to break the cardinal rule of womanhood and tell you exactly how much I weigh: 157 lbs (probably more by my doctor’s scale, but this is according to my old bathroom scale) So what if it’s 30 pounds heavier than the day I got married? So what if I have stretch marks? Doesn’t bother me, why should it bother anyone else? I’m tired of seeing women being obsessed with their bodies. Be healthy, but don’t be slaves to beauty. I don’t care about having a big house, about having a nice and completely clean car, about seeing every movie or reading every book. I don’t care that I don’t enjoy hostessing. Lots of women do, I don’t. No big deal. I don’t care about wearing brand names. I’d rather wear a good sale than a designer. I don’t care that there are dirty dishes in my sink because I took an hour and a half to write this essay. I don’t care that the music I love might not be the most popular. It’s what I like. I don’t like gardening, cooking, or making my bed. And I like being at home more than traveling.
Okay, so there may have been lots of rambling in this essay. Oh well. It was good for my soul to get some of that out. I guess I’ve been afraid that I’m buying into the whole Stepford wife image that even we Christians get caught up in. No my life is not perfect. There are parts that are messy, parts that I’ve tried to hide from others. But my own personal growth, not to mention the impact I have on others, is hindered when I try to fake a perfect existence. I may not be perfect, but I’m God’s child, I’m Seth’s wife, and I’m a mommy. That is enough for me.
Who in the world am I?
I am somewhat ashamed of the fact that I have often fallen into the trap of portraying a persona to others so that I fit in. I say somewhat ashamed because, of course I don’t want to always be promoting my own ideas in every group I’m in. It’s okay to fit into conversations and talk about things that perhaps aren’t your favorite subjects. But on the other hand, I feel guilty for worrying about maintaining a certain image in front of the people in my life, especially when that image contradicts my core values.
Why is looking good in front of other people so painfully important to us? Why would it be so bad for others to know we have struggles, we are sinners, we aren’t perfect? After all, the moments when I have been truly taught in matters of the faith are moments when another person has freely let down their guard and shared their personal struggles with me. No one ever benefits from false pretenses.
Well, it has started to really annoy me that this image I have painted for myself doesn’t really reflect me. I don’t want to blend in with the crowd. I don’t want to be known for things that I don’t care about. So I’ve been really trying to hash out my own identity.
I say without a moment’s hesitation that at its core, my identity is wrapped in Jesus Christ. I am nothing without Him. This is my most important distinguishing feature. I am God’s. I am a worthless sinner saved by the matchless grace of Jesus. I was an orphan without a home, a stranger without a name, a sinner without a defense until Jesus changed all that. Now I am a child of God’s, a friend of the Almighty with my name written in His book, and my sins are wiped away with the precious blood of Christ. I don’t say this to fit in with my Christian friends. I say it because I believe it with all my heart and it is my everything.
So yes, Kathy is a happy Christ follower.
The next thing I want to be known for is being Seth’s wife. I love my husband so much, much more than I did thirteen years ago when our journey together began. I want to be characterized by this love. I want my love for Seth to be a reflection of Christ’s love for me. I will happily remain by his side for the remainder of my life. Not because it’s easy, but because it is a choice I made. I have a wonderful husband though, and honestly, it’s not hard to love him more every day. I loved him when he was an ornery teenager so loving him now as a man who strives to please God is not that hard of a decision. I am so proud of the way he has grown in Christ since the day we exchanged vows, and I feel privileged to be the one that gets to see and benefit from this growth more than any other. Even after thirteen years, I still marvel at the idea that Seth chose to marry me. I’m his girl. Nobody else can say that. Being Seth’s wife makes me special. So I don’t mind being pegged as a woman who is gonna try her hardest to be the best wife she can be for the rest of her life.
My third persona is the one that right now I am working the most at. It is a hat I won’t always get to wear, but have been granted the responsibility to carry while it is appropriate. I’m a mom.
Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who work, and I have no problem with that. I’m not picking on any other moms. Financially, sometimes a mom will have to work outside the home. My own mother did when I was a child, and still does. I know lots of moms who work who are still fantastic moms. Perhaps they have to work harder at it than some others, but they are able to balance work and home with finesse. I am not one of these moms. I openly admit that I hate hate hate working outside the home. Even before I was a mom, I hated it. I’ve had two professions, one was terrible (daycare teacher) and one was great (photo editor), but neither brought me joy or satisfaction. I didn’t want my identity to be wrapped in either of those jobs. When people asked me what I did, I didn’t delightfully respond "I’m a photo editor and I love it!" Now, I’m a mom. This more than a career. It’s a calling. And it’s really hard sometimes. But I love it. I have no problems with being pegged as a stay at home mom. You are free to judge me for that as you wish, but I can honestly say, I feel so satisfied in my role as mom. I have no aspirations to have a career. In no way do I believe having a career would make me a better person, a happier person, or a more satisfied person. I love being my own boss in a sense. Now, of course, my husband is the boss of our family, for all you people out there thinking "she’s not being submissive if she says she’s her own boss." Seth may be the head, but it’s not like he tells me how to do the laundry or change a diaper. He trusts my instincts on those matters. So yes, I get to decide what kind of mom I’m going to be, and I feel very confident in my role. I never felt confident in my jobs. I felt like a fish out of water. But mothering is as natural to me as breathing. I’m not saying it’s easy or even that I’m really great at it. But there’s no doubt that this is who I’m supposed to be. Someday, my children will leave home and this role will change. So while I have it, I’m gonna use it, I’m going to dedicate myself to it. I’m going to work hard to teach my children the Scriptures and of salvation, and of all the practical things they need to know too. So what if there would be more money and no debt if I had a job. So what if I’m not free to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. So what if I drive a minivan and plan to homeschool and wear sweats all day instead of a suit. I’m a mom. I’m gonna relish it. There is no job I could do that is more important that the job I have in training my kids.
There are other roles I enjoy: daughter, sister, friend, youth leader, musician, neighbor. These are all important to me. I want them to be in my portfolio.
Now for things that I don’t care about: I don’t care about money. I couldn’t always say that, I admit, but I’m figuring out that having money is not nearly important as people make it out to be. I don’t want to be careless about it, but I refuse to dedicate my life to building wealth. I also don’t care about being skinny or in shape. I like to exercise, i.e. playing with my children or going up and down the stairs doing laundry and even playing some organized sports . But you won’t find me in a gym, sweating to shed those extra baby pounds or have beautiful abs. I’m happy with the way I look. I’m not overweight (okay, maybe a few pounds, but I did just have a baby three months ago). I’m in great health, and I try to make good decisions for the most part concerning my diet. But I will never be a slave to my body and I’m tired of pretending that I care about how much I weigh. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to break the cardinal rule of womanhood and tell you exactly how much I weigh: 157 lbs (probably more by my doctor’s scale, but this is according to my old bathroom scale) So what if it’s 30 pounds heavier than the day I got married? So what if I have stretch marks? Doesn’t bother me, why should it bother anyone else? I’m tired of seeing women being obsessed with their bodies. Be healthy, but don’t be slaves to beauty. I don’t care about having a big house, about having a nice and completely clean car, about seeing every movie or reading every book. I don’t care that I don’t enjoy hostessing. Lots of women do, I don’t. No big deal. I don’t care about wearing brand names. I’d rather wear a good sale than a designer. I don’t care that there are dirty dishes in my sink because I took an hour and a half to write this essay. I don’t care that the music I love might not be the most popular. It’s what I like. I don’t like gardening, cooking, or making my bed. And I like being at home more than traveling.
Okay, so there may have been lots of rambling in this essay. Oh well. It was good for my soul to get some of that out. I guess I’ve been afraid that I’m buying into the whole Stepford wife image that even we Christians get caught up in. No my life is not perfect. There are parts that are messy, parts that I’ve tried to hide from others. But my own personal growth, not to mention the impact I have on others, is hindered when I try to fake a perfect existence. I may not be perfect, but I’m God’s child, I’m Seth’s wife, and I’m a mommy. That is enough for me.
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